I Am a Deeply Flawed Human Being and I Should Be Better Because Everyone In My Life Deserves Better... Including Me.

Straight from the healing heart. Give this a read.

Today I have reached a breakthrough. I finally realized and accepted how deeply flawed I am. It didn't come suddenly, it took years. I wish I had learned about these sooner, but then again, I shouldn't dwell on things I can't change.

I can't change the past. All I have now is another chance.

Accepting these flaws doesn't mean I'll let these flaws stay though. They have to be resolved, but until then, I should be wise and take these into account whenever I make decisions and take action. I guess it's what they call wisdom?

First things first, I have no problem listing them here for the world to see. Maybe because I know that some people in my life look up to me and I want them to see me for who I am. Maybe it's me rebelling against that part of me that's overly concerned about people's opinions. Fact is, I have made a lot of realizations and I'm not afraid to put it out there. How can I truly live if I don't get to show people the real me, right? Enough with the personas. Enough of me trying to be who I'm not. This is the freedom of authenticity. Not acknowledging my flaws only leads to disappointments and more dissonance. Acknowledging these leads to learning more about myself fully. This means I can reach my true potential, and I'd know what I truly want. And I can live a happier life.

Here are the things about me that I realized:

  • I am only really exploring what my emotions are for the first time.

  • People always thought I was mature. Even I thought so. Turns out, I still have a ton of things I need to work on.

  • I used to pride myself on being efficient and effective in whatever tasks were given to me. I was a workaholic. I had never been too sad or tired not to work. For a while, I wished I was that productive again. But turns out, I was just a robot then. I didn't have feelings for much of anything. I only wanted to work. That wasn't normal. It wasn't balanced.

  • I don't do things out of happiness. I sometimes do things for the betterment of the "future me" but not the present me. Most of the time I do things to make other people happy.

  • Anything involving human emotions and feelings scares me because it's very hard for me to understand it and it scares me how unpredictable feelings are.

  • It was only five years ago that I first cried in two decades. I never shed tears before in my teens and in adulthood. Turns out, I'm emotionally stunted. The arrival of true romantic love in my life made me open up a bit more and start crying. Crying is relief. It's good.

  • I have done a lot of embarrassing things. I didn't realize it then but I realize it now.

  • Sometimes I do things for the approval of others. That's not right.

  • I have to accept that I am not happy now and I need to change.

  • I have separation anxiety issues, so make people stay even though I know they are better off without me. Also, it's made me yearn for people that have done me wrong.

  • Romantic love has been the most confusing, exciting, exhilarating, scary, and most profound experience I have ever had. It gave me my happiest days and the saddest days. I have always felt it, and I have done my best to show people I love them, but there are a lot of essential variables missing in the love I give to people. I never pretended to love. I just never understood it enough to feel that I deserve it and to effectively give it to people.

  • Sometimes I get angry when I remember something bad that someone did to me in the past. I should let go of these feelings. I've done bad things myself. I will be forgiving everyone starting today.

  • I have been branding myself as "The Great" and "LegenDarius" when I feel like I haven't deserved that yet, so I feel like an imposter. But... there are still great things I can do now and I should embrace that.

  • I have been lucky enough to receive the highest forms of love. I always wished I could give the same love in return. I just don't have the power to grasp it yet. Not realizing my shortcomings with love caused a lot of pain in people who are very important to me. I really wished I had known about these flaws sooner. After understanding this, hopefully... eventually I will be more worthy of giving love. Giving and receiving love is a big responsibility. Some people have told me I don't know how to love, and I now accept there is truth in that.

  • I'm fickle and indecisive because of the issues I listed here. I have to overcome these first before I involve other people in my decision-making. In the meantime, I have to learn to own up to my decisions and face the consequences when I make mistakes.

  • Because I'm new to some of these feelings, I make really bad decisions when I'm emotional. Now I understand it is the marriage of logic and understanding of these feelings that could really get me through bad situations in better shape. 

  • I sometimes make promises the present me can't keep, and I only hope the future me can. It used to work, but since I've been stuck in a loop and haven't improved the past couple of years it made things worse. I should never promise anything unless I'm 100% sure the present version of me can do it. I shouldn't commit to anything yet because I'm not done growing up yet.

  • I feel extremely bothered and sad when I hurt people's feelings.

  • I got stuck being sad because I am not getting new skills these past years because I have been too focused trying to understand myself. I shouldn't be sad because this journey has been worth it and I will become a better version of myself. 

  • I shouldn't oversell myself, but I shouldn't undersell myself either. I now realize I really am smart and a fast learner. In terms of how people perceive me and how it really is, it's one of the few things that are congruent.

  • I feel excited whenever I meet new people. I am a social person. I love learning new things from people. Being a sponge is one of my greatest traits. Some people I met brought out the best in me.

  • I have to accept that I am a villain to some people I have met in my life. I have done them wrong. If the best course of action is to make up for it when the opportunity comes, I should. And I want to. But, if the opportunity never comes, I have to accept it.

  • Some people have made it their mission to put me down. I have to accept that and overcome it.

  • I am never indispensable. I can't assume I am the best thing that could happen in anyone's life because the truth is, I am a handful.

  • I use ego and boasting to make myself feel better. Or, when I feel my worth is diminishing for whoever I talk to. Sometimes I do it too much that it hurts me because I try to live up to it. Plus, it's cringeworthy. I shouldn't let that be the case.

  • I have to accept that while I may boast that I can do anything, truth is, I can't. I just diligently prepare for everything because I have a crippling fear of failure. Where does this fear come from? Because I told people I won't fail. Failing is always a possibility and I have to stop telling people I'm indestructible. I have to be open about it. I have to learn to accept these possibilities but still prepare nonetheless.

  • I lie sometimes because it would make a better narrative. I lie sometimes when the truth isn't something I'd accept myself. I sometimes lie to myself too. Lying is a pain and is never worth it.

  • There are a lot of people greater than me and I should never assume I'm better than anyone.

  • I am not disciplined enough these past years. I'm just lucky I can get things done fast whenever I get that spark of productivity. If I were disciplined, I would have achieved so much more.

  • I have to overcome my tendency to not work when I don't feel like it. This has been a bad habit I learned since I started being more emotional. These feelings are valid, sure, but I shouldn't dwell on it for months and years.

  • I will always strive to be a good person. Now that I understand that doing bad things really bothers me, I will always strive not to do bad things again. I know I may sometimes fail, but I'll work on becoming better at avoiding doing these bad things.

  • I have to learn to do things out of happiness.

  • I have to learn to forgive myself.

  • I should never forget that no matter how bad things seem to be, there's always hope for a brighter tomorrow.

  • I have to do things for my present self more.

  • My biggest dream is to live up to my true potential and do things I really want to do, not what people want me to do.

  • I want to change the world for the better, and my anxiety is me telling me I should get myself together and get better.

So, there you go. I am deeply flawed. I have come to terms with this. I feel lighter. A huge burden off my shoulders. I feel like this is a fresh start. The start of the path to happiness and being a better person.

I am already happier now because I understand some of the things I'm really bad at. There's no more pretending and rejecting certain truths about myself. No more of me trying to be who I'm not. Just me accepting who I am. Just me trying to be better.

And... Darius Immanuel D. Guerrero, you will. This is a big step. Come back to this whenever you need to.


back to top